Dominance. Corruption. Influence. Vicious rivalries. New enemies. New alliances. Shifting loyalties. Formidable feuds. Predator vs. prey. Take-downs. The struggle for power and the struggle for survival. All of this can only mean one thing: BILLIONS IS BACK BABY!
This season we will review each episode and award our Most Valuable Players (MVPs) for the utmost brazen, uber shameless, ultra scheming, unmatched bad asses to date – from sports references, music and tasty food, to pop culture remarks, shocking twists and ultimate paybacks. This will serve as our prize ‘Billions MVP Fanbook’ commemorating all those in honor of such achievement.
Here are the Billions MVP awards for Season 5, Episode 1, “The New Decas.”
Overall Stellar Display of Badassery – Bobby Axelrod on a motorcycle in riding gear to the beat of a cool ass tune in beautiful scenery. Nothing says ‘I am the coolest bad boy from high school Gingersnap had a crush on’ than the way Axe commanded that zipper on his leather cruiser jacket or the vigor with which he punted the motorbike’s kickstand with his adventure/touring boots. As if it couldn’t get any better than that, add Bad Company’s Bad Company song to the scene as Axe steers his BMW R1250 through the winding roads along the Alaskan-Canadian Highway with his loyal lieutenant Wagsy by his side.
“Company, always on the run
Destiny is the rising sun
Oh, I was born 6-gun in my hand
Behind the gun I’ll make my final stand
That’s why they call me
And I can’t deny
‘Til the day I die”
Can we just discuss for a moment how Wags and Axe mounted their BMW motorcycles in choreographed style, like two synchronized swimmers performing an artistic routine? Sign me up!
Sagest Chuck Senior Marital Advice – “Go get some ass if that’s what you want and then re-up with the unit.” *smfh*
First Class Art Pieces – Van Gogh’s Road with Cypress and Star (1890) aka Country Road in Provence by Night that hung in the entry way and Noon – Rest from Work (after Millet) that hung in the living room of Bobby Axelrod’s additional Manhattan apartment.
Dirtiest Gift Giver – Bobby Axelrod. He returned Chuck’s prized Churchill first-edition, inscribed volumes of The Second World War, just like I had guessed in our Billons Season 5 Expectations post here. And all under the guise of an act of friendship.
Best Goddamn Walk on the Face of the Earth – Damian Lewis, I mean, Bobby Axelrod 😉 as he busts through the door of the Vanity Fair cover photoshoot, clean shaven, looking all svelte in a sports jacket, with purpose in his stride and legs for days.
Video of the walk:
Team Axe has arrived.
— Billions on Showtime (@SHO_Billions) May 4, 2020
Best Banter – These two have had some of the best back and forth, but Axe and Wags at the Vanity Fair photo shoot was classic!
Is this why you made sure she came with? So I wouldn’t kill you?
I think if there was a witness, it would be harder to commit homicide.
Harder. Not Impossible.
Biggest Hypocrite – Mike Prince. Please. The greater good? Stop with that crap. Ain’t nobody got time for that!
Best School-Yard Rumble – The Axe Cappers vs the TMCer’s. It didn’t come down to fisticuffs (the ACs would definitely win that one!), but the lines were drawn! Yes, unity for now, but for how long?
Biggest WTF? – Chuck Senior’s Wedding. I’d love to know two things: how the hell he got a quickie divorce, and the settlement he had to give to his ex!
The “Don’t Stop” Award – Chuck’s speech at his Dad’s wedding. I usually don’t like to hear much of what Chuck is saying, but when he goes in for the kill, it’s usually brilliant. I wanted him to eviscerate Chuck Sr. in that speech! Would it have been inappropriate? Yes, but when has that stopped Chuck before?
Best Table of Definitely Not Wilburys – Chuck at table 15 with that bunch of losers at his Dad’s wedding. If that is your “kitchen cabinet” you had better move to another room!
“Move over Ben Kim, There is a Better Dancer in Town” Award – Chuck Senior
Who knew Senior had the Rudolph Valentino moves? 😀 Look at this deep dip! I am 100% with Taiga – I am IMPRESSED.
“Infinitely Patient Grade School Teacher” Award – Wendy
OMG the kind of classroom shenanigans that woman goes through thanks to the most spoiled bunch of 5-year olds that ever walked on earth!
Reversing the flush water in the restroom…
It takes bringing in a brilliant guest teacher for Wendy to make the kids fall in line. But she still needs to teach little Bill that man-spreading is a no-no.
“Starriest Politician in the Making” Award – Kate
We always talk about the winners and losers of a season. While the usual suspects sometimes lose and sometimes win, there is one character who always ends up on the winning side: Kate Sacker.
Kate is very smart and plays the game extremely well. While she had to bend the rules a few times, she never violated them like the obvious winners and losers in the show. And, guess what, she is the only major character in Billions who still has an impeccable record. Hats off!
Kate has now moved to State Attorney General’s Office to help make it “the preeminent prosecutorial office” in the state which will obviously help with her run in the congressional elections next year – first step to become the next Teddy Roosevelt!
“Pettiest Power Move” Award – Mike “Thomas Aquinas” Prince
While Mike Prince seems to enjoy talking about being part of a team, I wonder how much he has paid to make that last “s” go away from “The New Decas” so he makes the solo cover of Vanity Fair.
I am sure they were already working on it as Prince’s right-wing man Scooter told Wags at the photo shoot that solo cover was too much attention and they did not want that… His namesake should be rolling in his grave! I totally agree with Axe that this guy would find a way to be proud if he carried the name of Saint Blaise the patron saint of those who suffer from throat diseases. After all, wouldn’t protection against throat diseases be good for the profitability of mankind? 😀
“The most stomach-turning, revolting, nauseating, unappetizing, distasteful, gross words ever spoken on Billions” Award – Bobby Axelrod
“I’d like to try THAT.”
What the actual fuck?
You cannot try a woman like you try a new car, a new pair of jeans, or a new fancy restaurant.
And, I mean, how will Wags arrange this? Will he just call this model and tell her Bobby Axelrod would love to enjoy her company?!?! Or is it even more straightforward, something like “Hi honey, Bobby Axelrod, yes, the deca-billionaire, wants to try you.” I seriously want to give Axe the benefit of the doubt because he seems desperate to make himself happy. But I just cannot. This is way too gross.
“Supremely Magnificent Beard” Award – Bobby Axelrod
May I just be a fan girl for a second? Thank you Billions for bringing us the beard whose appearance always makes our hearts beat faster!
Best 80’s Song Revival – Stray Cats ‘Rock This Town‘
OK so it was performed for the episode by a wedding reception cover band, but it’s still an awesome song. This three piece band had all it needed to crank out some great rock tunes in the early 80’s. BK started off the season with a home run, musically speaking.
Best Welcome New Twitter Move – The Billions Writers Room
I think they maybe heard how people couldn’t keep up with all of the cultural references in the show last season, because throughout the episode whoever was in charge of the BillionsWritersRoom Twitter feed was explaining various songs, movie references and other tidbits, and I found it to be incredibly helpful.
Best Pro Wrestling Analogy – Becky ‘The Man’ Lynch
Again BK and DL delve deep into my childhood, which often mimics theirs. I was a huge pro wrestling fan growing up. I knew them all – I watched NWA, WWF, WCW, etc. I have tailed off the past few years but certainly am familiar with the moves and the routines. So I know what ‘jobbing’ means – and I find it to have been a perfect analogy for what the traders at Axe and Mase Cap needed to hear. Sometimes it isn’t about you – sometimes it’s about the company. And sometimes you have to sacrifice your own goals for the good of the company, which means letting someone else grab the spotlight. Her entrance was a textbook example of that and the analogy, to me anyways, worked seamlessly. I also dig the Irish accent.
Most Saintly Reference (x2) – Not just Michael ‘Thomas Aquinas’ Prince, but also the reference to St. Blaise. Every year in the beginning of February, Catholics all over the world will get their throats blessed by invoking the intercession of St. Blaise, the patron saint of throat ailments (as noted by BillionsWritersRoom). The blessing is done by placing candles crossed over your throat and saying a short prayer. I do it every year.
Geek Fight Award – Winston vs Tuk
I’m not a huge fan of Winston, and definitely not a fan of his mustache, but hey whatever. I do like what they are doing with Tuk so far. He and Ben make a cool kind of geeky bromance, to go along with the oil and water bromance of Dollar Bill and Spyros. I hope they let Tuk do more this season!