Marry, Shag, Banish – Billions Characters

Damianista’s Note: We originally shared this post during Season 4 of Billions. We thought it would be fun to share it again before Billions Season 6 premiers on Showtime on January 23. Enjoy and play along!

It’s game time!

Marry, Shag, Kill is a popular game in which players are presented with the names of three celebrities. Of the options presented, you must pick one to marry, one to shag and one to kill. But instead of killing, we’d rather banish to an island and instead of utilizing real celebrity names, we will play using Billions characters. Each of us has picked one Billions character to marry, one to shag and one to banish. You can play along, too, in the comments section or during your next road trip or dinner party!

So welcome to Marry, Shag, Banish: Billions Characters Version! Let’s get started.


Bobby Axelrod – I want to be legally committed to shag that boy more than once. The best way to lock that down ’til death do us part is to marry him. The perks aren’t half bad either 😉

Victor Mateo – I mean…

Todd Krakow – So annoying. He really wouldn’t know Pindar from Pantera.


Dollar Bill – Like it or not, most trustworthy man/woman on earth. Also, he is a provider. Even when he fools around, he will never let me down, neither the fool on the other side.

Definitely Wags – sexiest man/woman alive, period! The mustache, the smile, the childishness, sense of humor — it may not be a worthy list to shag somebody, but more than what one would need to have a beer with such a wicked character!

Lara – weakest link in the series. Oh, have they already banished her? Good.


#TeamTaylor extends to matrimony, for me. Loyal, kind, level-headed…and very stylish 🙂

I don’t know if it’s smart for me to explain why….but it’s Mistress Phoebe.

No brainer, even amongst the pack of ANIMALS that this season’s characters have become.  Even darlings like Mafee and Ben Kim are acting pretty treacherous. But no one’s treachery seems to match this guy.  I literally want to put him on a rocket and launch him into the sun every time he is on screen.


Lady Trader

Bobby Axelrod – Who else would Lady Trader marry except a fellow trader? The pre-nup he will have to sign will make sure that the new firm is called AxeL Capital (L for Lisa, of course!)

Bryan Connerty  – why not dabble on the dark side for a one night stand? I’ll just make sure not to bring him to the Feast of San Gennaro  on our date!

I’m going to have to banish Kate Sacker. She has been on my last nerve since Season 1. She’s as slippery as an eel, and just plain annoying!


Rebecca – If she’s good enough for Axe, she’s good enough for me. Actually, she’s kinda, sorta out of my league, but what’s the point of this if not to aim high? She’s beautiful, she’s filthy rich, and I would happily play the role of gigolo here.

Bonnie – Why? I own a minivan. ‘nuff said. Plus she’s got a killer set of … pipes.

This was a tough call, but in the end I had to go with Wendy. She has really gone off the deep end here. In this season, she is angry, vindictive, manipulative and dangerous. Yes she has been burned by Chuck, but she has done a lot of burning herself. She is too volatile now – I would not want her around. I never would have said that before this season, but she is in a bad place, and one I would not want to be a part of.


I know it may sound strange to some but, no, I would not marry Bobby Axelrod. And not only the show creator Brian Koppelman but also Damian Lewis himself know about it thanks to yours truly telling them! I just find Axe too dominant and possessive for my taste in romantic relationships.

The thing is I thought I knew whom to marry when we talked about playing “Shag, Marry, Banish” with Billions characters months ago…

Bryan Connerty. Good looking. Ambitious. Someone who beat the odds with good education. And someone who I believed always tried to do the right thing… well, until he did not.

Blinded by his hatred for Chuck, Bryan’s submission to Jeffcoat’s non-sense this season has been a huge disappointment. And I was so ready to give up on him when he kept quiet when Jeffcoat talked about “infected blanket.”

But as I was moving on to my “Marry” runner-up, Chuck’s words coupled with Bryan knocking at Dr. Gus’ door brightened the day! I trust Dr. Gus will bring back to life that idealist attorney who wants to do the right thing! We will need to work on his suits and I may need to convince him to travel to places other than Japan but, hey, don’t we look good together? 😀

Oh, and for those of you who want to know about my “Marry” runner-up: Mafee! He is a bit too earnest at times but certainly one of the good guys. And he’s very cute!

Bobby Axelrod – Well, I only said I would not marry him 😀 So if the opportunity presents itself… why not? 😀

Jock Jeffcoat – It is no secret that from Jose Lugo to Federal Day to especially the “Infected Blanket” I am not a fan of the Attorney General.

But I mean, put business aside, this man does not even wash his hands after using the toilet. Ewwwwwwww. Jeffcoat is the kind of man who makes me carry a bottle of Purell in my purse at all times! I would banish him to an island and make sure that shit train also moves there with him 😀

Author: Gingersnap

Management Analyst, part-time Adjunct Professor and Computer Software Consultant by day and Damian Lewis aficionado by night.

3 thoughts on “Marry, Shag, Banish – Billions Characters”

  1. Well first of I must say all of the “shag, marry and banish” was on point except for the one of Lara….1) she is not the weakest link because even though they didn’t giver much to grow her character, let’s not forget that she was the only one to snag Bobby and stay for 15 years, 2) she is also the true ride and die chick for him until HE committed the unthinkable for her and 3) when he had this “purpose~~of going home after” he was better leveraged, a better thinker, still stressed but focus and not a cheater.
    This to me is. Or was the charm in Billions where during the day every devious and scheming was happening and at night a glimpse of the old Bobby comes out and make you fall for him. Mind reminding you that we all fell in love with Bobby at the beginning because of his ruthless ways, but mostly his before and after, his full support from Lara and his undecided attention of his family. Why messed it up….
    I am so frustrated with Billions that I am not a true fan or believer any more…..
    #bringbacklara and see how Axe becomes the greatest again. Oh and Wendy is so not good only for Chuck who is her match because she is a conniving, mental player that preys on your mind…. Lara was so right about her.
    I mean if we have to include some romance in this vicious life, bring good happily ever after, stand by your man, and take a bullet for your family concept but this hop in, hop out, lying, cheating is “come on enough already”…. The show has already so much ups and down during the day, my God give us something good…

  2. Marry – Dollar Bill- I think you would always be protected by his loyalty, look at the fealty he gives Ax…
    Shag – Damian Matteo , any ?
    Banish – Jock Jeffcoat – his loathsome character hits a bit too close to recent events

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